Destruction.

Distractions and procrastination leads to major destuction.

I am destroyed today. This is my usual bitching session where I rant about the part of me which i hate - the ability to not focus at all. I have been sitting here trying to type out just 2,000 words of the essay the whole day and i'm just at the halfway mark. I've been attempting or at least trying to attempt this simple task effectively since 2.30pm this afternoon and I am still stuck here at 12am. Moreover, I did some readings yesterday to prepare for the writing but to no avail. I am still stuck here and have only written half of the content.

What is this? It's the ugly side of me. Why the lack of motivation? I've had enough sleep and food. Y can't i concentrate? Things running through my mind? No. Am i troubled? No. I just cannot focus!

Ooh, another F word. From now on, I don't like the letter F. So if your name starts with F, i already don't like the first part of you. Sorry.

Urgh! Frustrating man... (see, F again. F words are bad).

Before i get more owned by the shadows of night, I shall try again. Funny how Mah says it's good cos it builds character. Well then, i don't want character and i don't have character ok!

Ok, but i sure don't wanna fail. So i guess i gotta do it. Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it... cos tonight's gonna be a good night. Cos tonight's gonna be a good good night.

Peace.

Gradual =)

I remember God's promise that this week will be uphill and i think it has been good so far. Like i feel i'm not so crazy already. =) Guess i'm recovering.. thanks for all those who has prayed for me and were there for me. Really appreciate it!

I caught up someone that used to go FGA recently and the person made my day. He actually said he will fast for the first time and i'm real excited abt that! Thanks for your encouragement dude =)

I've not exactly been good this week. I told myself its crunch time... crazy study time but no.... i'm still skipping lecs and tuts. Ok, tomorrow after church is study time! And mon gotta do my assignment alr man...

Oh, today was the first time i went to a footy match. it was pretty exciting and a real experience =) Hung out with Andrew and his friends the whole day. Don't know y i'm so quiet today... i think i've changed. What happened? Nevertheless, i enjoyed myself. We had dinner, few drinks then went for an awesome time of bowling and arcade. GG. don't know how i'm waking up tomorrow for breakfast before church man but somehow i'm still not tired.

What else did i do this week? Hmm... this week was also my first time hanging out at clayton. Now i see Felicia (edward chua's sis) a lot more cos we've mutual friends and they party and drink lots. Maybe i'm there in her life to take care of her man... maybe its God's way of telling me that i owe Edward. Haha..

Oh, friday Jen, Han, Andrew & I caught the Jabbawokeez!!!! it was so suuuuper awesome!!!!! I'm so excited talking abt it... i've got videos so check out facebook! U know the other shit krews are so shit compared to Jabba but i'd still love to be part of a krew. I feel a passion igniting alr. But somehow i dont know y i'm not compelled to practice on my own. haha... I really want a krew to dance and choreo and do stuff together i guess. Like its so much easier to have someone teaching steps. Choreo can be super stressful esp with a deadline cos i get ideas and freestyle but totally forget what i just did. Anyways, i was saying... i'd totally love to be part of any one of those shit krews. Jabbas said to not give up on our dreams. Wee! I've somehow always pictured myself in heaven or in the new world dancing day and night to awesome RnB Christian House music. lol!

!

Today's another Me Day.

I headed for Chaddy at 2pm to send out my resume. It was totally weird just going up to ask for a job and if they could look at my resume. I think it was totally humbling and mentally challenging. Like at the back of my head i was always concerned about what others would think. I had to keep pulling myself back and talk to the holy spirit. I pray that only 1 door will open... and i'll take it that the first one to contact me is from God and that it will meet all my needs. So yea, i did it today. It can be quite demoralising and depressing so i watched Coraline 3D. I love 3D films.. i'm so facinated by it.. but they're darn expensive!!! Then i did a surprise visit to Dishan's house and bought him his favourite cheesecake cos he was feeling down. We watched entourage then went to Prince's to play pool and arcade with Rajitha and his friend. It was a gd time but i forgot to check my phone so i think mah got really worried cos it was getting late and he texted me a few times and called but i didn't respond. Feel so bad! =S Today's such a cold day too! Cold, windy and rainy. Miserable huh?

Anyways, since i'm starting to unmask all over again... i've been reflecting a bit. I did the facebook test on which love language i am and the result was Time and Attention. I realised it was so true cos i really equate that to love and if ppl didn't give me time or attention, i'd just think that they don't care abt me already. I have to overcome this and stop expecting ppl to express love the way i want them to but to appreciate how they express love to me. There, i said it. I think this is one point that disappoints me sometimes. So it helps and its strange cos before i was doing the test, holy spirit was already pointing that out to me. Haha! so that affirms it.

Another random point - I've been wanting to eat a lot lately. Last night i finished my tub of ice cream and ate a bowl of cereal before slping. This afternoon after lunch, i had another cheeseburger and soft serve and was still hungry. =S i've already gained weight for goodness sake! Now i'm craving McDonald's fries... and i love their cheeseburger... oh no! =S i'm craving them now... and nowadays, i'm not even satisfied with 1 mcflurry! I need 2...

Anyways, i've been a gd girl. Did work last night and didn't replenish my ice cream. =S i saved the money to get dishan's cheesecake. Spent too much today already... well, i'm feeling like some Gossip Girl now.

Toodles!

Lazy Weekend

Let's see, this weekend must be the laziest and most boring weekend ever! Didn't really do much on Friday (read prev post). Sat woke up late and skyped with Evie till clan dinner then chilled with Andre. Woke up at 3pm today and managed to roll out of bed at 4.30pm. Got home, had dinner and watched Gossip Girl.

Also, my tub of ice cream is gone! I feel lost now cos i don't know what to do. I've done a little bit of work just now and now, i don't know what to do. Do what work? Urgh... this sucks. So boring! What should i do tomorrow? I'm lost and in need of ice cream. =S

I'm gonna watch one more ep of Gossip Girl now before i slp and hopefully start a productive day tomorrow. =) Hmm, maybe i'll go down to Chadstone to give out my resume. Y not huh?

Friday? No way...

I had the worst friday yesterday. it was meant to be good and stuff and mah and i were supposed to chill. then the guys were like we haven't chilled together eversince hols and we can't chill next week cos of assignments so we need to hang out tonight. i felt bad so i agreed to go out with them. then, as usual... they can't decide and they take so long and got drunk before leaving the house. so i left with dish to meet mah first. after that, andre and i sorta got into a tiff. it's my fault. i don't know what's wrong with me. it wasn't a good night for anyone i guess. then everyone went to the bar and pulled a long face. we paid cover just to sit down and do nothing. crap.

i think ive got rejection issues. gotta keep outta ppl for a while. =(

meanwhile, bury myself in books. at least its productive.

Spring Clean.

I did some spring cleaning today. Talked some trash outta my life and got myself a support. I should be feeling good. But i'm not. I feel better but not good. Haven't totally trashed things out yet... soon i guess. Maybe tomorrow.

God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

Somehow, I still feel God's goodness amidst all this. Makes me happy to think that.

Ooh, I've got ice cream. Yay~

Stress Cycle

it seems like i've my stress cycle again. seems like almost every year i'd break down once. maybe its just shaking. but it hurts real bad. every time during this period when i'm too stressed, i get sick. i am falling sick now.

but u know whats the best thing that happened this week? Going for hip hop on thurs instead of my usual hip hop jazz on fri. today's class was sooo awesome it filled me from within. i really enjoyed myself so much. the music was great, the moves flowed, the beat and bounce was there. the other class was just dumb. really appreciate the instructor's efforts tho. but it wasn't good. so i guess hip hop on thurs for me then =) i'm really inspired by it today. we learnt house dance. which was real cool. kinda like a mix of reggae and hip hop. awesome stuff =)

anyway, i think its time for me to learn how to confront my feelings and stop bottling up! its funny how i also collect bottles as water bottles. anyways, yea... its real hard for me to share and tell ppl if i'm upset with them but i'm gonna try to do that no matter how hard it is. part of growing, no? its not just ppl.. but i think i needa learn how to deal with my emotions. i keep too much inside and smile too much that i cant even tell which smile is genuine or fake anymore. think i gotta step back a bit and start to do spring cleaning in this little heart of mine. emo it all out, dont care what ppl think and just say only... my security is in Christ. even if everyone thinks im weird or crazy, so be it. Jesus suffered rejection and humility, y can't i? at least i know he will never leave me nor forsake me.

Amen!

*sniff*

Met Wei and Huis for Dinner with Andrew on Monday.
It was a bad day for me. But again, i resorted to masking. I emo-ed when i got home and had a gd chat with evie. Its cool cos i prayed that God will bring someone to be there and when i got online, Evie msged me. Immediately, i poured out to her and emo-ed everything away. Had a good sleep but didn't do work.

Yesterday was cool too. Dishan provided dinner for me again. On Sunday, we cooked pork with coke which turned out to be real awesome. Yesterday, he cooked me fried rice and sweet and sour meatballs which were real awesome too! I'm really blessed that Dish would always provide dinner for me. We also started watching Entourage which always left me blur cos of the abrupt ending. Watched like 4 eps already and i think Gossip Girl is more intriguing.

I feel like staying home this Friday. Haha.. if i did, it would be the first Friday in Melbourne that i'm actually alone at home. Even exam time, i had ppl coming over or i'd be somewhere else. Going into lone ranger mode again. Maybe i need it =) Have a bday to attend to this Sat. Still thinking if i wanna go for it. See how la. But Sat have clan dinner... so i'll still be in the city with ppl.

Anyways, i had a cool leadership class today. We talked abt values and how we are aligning our goals to our values. Here are the top 10 values that i've listed:

1. Time
2. People
3. Spirituality
4. Love
5. Quality of Life
6. Positivity
7. Freedom
8. Open, honest communication
9. Values
10. Convenience

I might have more or might change but this is the best i can think of for now. I realised that many are inter-linked. No 10 just caters to my laziness. lol!

We did this exercise where we had to knock of 3 values at a time till we reached the last one. It was difficult crossing out the initial 6 till we got the last one. It was clear to me that i really valued Time. Maybe its cos i always think that i don't have much time left and also cos my love language is time and i wanna spend as much time with ppl i love or contribute my time to things that i think makes life worthwhile.

Time is of the essence. No time to lose. I'm going to take a nap soon. Yay =)

F.

Problems come in the letter F - Family, Finances, Friends...
But you know what? God delivers with F too - He is Faithful, stirs up Faith through situations and allows me to experience the Freedom in Christ.

Effed up world? Fight good with evil. Fight.
Which would you choose?

-Fine-

Holy Sheet.

I was searching for christian song lyrics and playing christian music on media player and i accidentally clicked on the song "at the cross" by hillsongs and AT THE SAME TIME, the media player played that exact song!

I was like.. holy..... better worship now. Maybe God wants my attention on this song. lol! crazy ass.

Our God Reigns.

Today wasn't the best of days but it certainly wasn't the worst.

I was feeling upset because a friend had disappointed me. It's a long story... then Andrew couldn't make it to house church cos he hurt his back and had an appointment to visit the physio. Dishan and Kah wai didn't feel like coming too but since they knew i wasn't feeling to happy today, they accompanied me and we actually had a good time together! I've realised and learnt a lot about friendships today. What is the balance between expectation and right to expect? That's something i've gotta learn to strike a balance.

Anyways, today i led the activity during house church and it turned out well. At least Dishan thought so. He said it was actaully fun. I'm real glad that the guys seem like they're having a gd time =) Also, today we had opportunities to share more about God with the 2 of them. I'm real glad... as Joy mentioned, it certainly is like sharing the cure for cancer to the cancer patient. If only, they'd understand the depth and harm of the cancer can they truly appreciate the cure. In time to come then. Bit by bit....

One thing tho i think is a hindrance is the other friends. I feel like Dishan is pressured to not come cos its like a church thing and andre and other ppl make fun of it. He's a nice guy and wants to please everyone... so i understand his conflict. I pray nothing will stop them from knowing the gospel.

Anyways, today i was also pretty stressed looking for a present for cassandra. It's her 21st this sunday. I dont know y i always have to stress myself so much and put in so much effort for ppl's bday when others just buy something and don't give a shit. I hate doing this! I hate it... =S Y can't i just settle and be like other ppl?

Oh, the other thing is... i had a good talk with andrew just now. Kinda pouring my heart out abt today. He says he's like there for me and stuff but i don't seem like i wanna share my problems with ppl. I feel like i can't cos ppl don't understand and i feel like i'm burdening them. Maybe i've gotta learn and also learn how to confront ppl i'm upset with. I don't wanna be in this state where i keep snapping and get irritated with things. Feel so different. =S what's wrong with me?

Gee, i just realised my title has nothing to do with this post. But whatever. lol! God still reigns doesn't he?

"Eat some concrete and harden up"
I'll do just that. Night!

Homie.

Today's stay-at-home day.

Finish school at like 1pm then went home and slacked the whole day. Man, what a waste of time! I had a good time tho... watched Gossip Girl! =) What else, seriously don't know what i filled my time with. But it sure was unproductive!

Andrew came over for dinner after work and we had some mee goreng. Yums! After that he built this cabinet thing to put my accessories. It was real sweet... will post up some pics on fb some time soon =)

Then i got a call from dishan saying that andrew was trying to contact me after he left but couldn't reach me and he's outside my house now. I knew it was Dish at the door. So dish and raj did a surprise visit cos they were bored. We then drove to maccas and had take away before heading to andre's to surprise him too.

And i punk'd andre! super happy! Told him that there was a meteor shower outside now and asked him to go out and check it. And he really did! Just to realise that we were outside his house! =) Hehe.. then chilled for a meaningless while then got home.

What a wasted day. Gee...

Tomorrow's time for soccer again. As manager, yep manager, i gotta coach the team well. lol. Hectic day again tom....

What in the World?

I've a 9am tutorial and 10am class which i was involved in a group presentation.
I did the unthinkable.
Woke up at the sound of Dishan's call on the phone. It was 10am after my 9am class!!!
I jumped outta bed, brushed my teeth, changed and literally flew over. Yep. Not even time for make up!!!
This is my first time out of the house into public with a bare face. I think no one really recognised me. Lol!
But this is sooooo strange! My alarm was still on but did not ring at the designated time. Ok. Lame excuse but its true! I couldn't figure.

Also, last night my internet died on me. I went all the way to dishan's to get the USB stick for internet since i was using the landline but to no avail. It didn't work too and i've a presenatation the next day! Then, somehow...... i restarted and the internet was up again. Trust me, i've rebooted the system sooo many times before since 8 and even restarted the modem. Ok, shit happens. Last night Andrew and i were supposed to fix the new drawer thing we got from ikea but realised we needed a hammer. Was strange cos usually ikea's things don't require tools. So yea, gotta fix it again tonight. Gee.

Anyway, today's presentation went well. I don't know y... i really thank God. It was real smooth and no fear or stage fright or whatsoever. Maybe cos i was so task focused and late that i forgot to be nervous and stuff.

Oh, continuing from the day i was supposed to be still and stuff? I kinda fell asleep then dish was bugging me to go out so i didnt really do anything. bummmer. i knew it!

btw, i'm also tasked to share a testimony this Sunday at church. I know exactly what to share - testimonies of how God has been faithful to me in Melb. I got a feeling some people actually need to hear this. Strange too, but i'm excited and at the moment not feeling nervous. Haha... =)

He is Faithful.

Yesterday I had a good time during worship. It brought me back to the place of who God is. He is a faithful God in every way. In all aspects, he has met my needs - Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Mental. It was good to remember His faithfulness for He will provide exactly what you need in time to come.

At this stage when I am broke, I put my last $50 note in the offering bag waiting to see how God will provide for me. Somehow, God gave me a peace in my heart that He allowed this to happen and that it was there to shape and mould me and it was necessary to understand what if feels to have financial security and then lose it. Somehow, though i may worry at times, there's such a peace and assurance every time i remember His faithfulness. This gives me so much strength to smile and laugh amidst what's going on. I think it seems really hypocritical at times cos my face and actions doesn't always reflect what's on my heart. Only people who really know me are able to tell. And this was the struggle for last week. I have accumulated too much in my heart that it caught up with me. There are times when I just snapped or feel frustrated and emotional but of course I always recover with a joke or laugh. It's pathetic. I believe its just the accumulation that has just caught up and I am no longer able to hide behind that smile. Well, I haven't fully erupted yet but I feel the crack under the pressure and sometimes the crack leaks and gives way. Before it really blows, I reckon I should do something abt it.

God challenged me yesterday to be silent before Him and empty everything. I've always kept myself busy its time to learn how to not procrastinate further and clear out the trash. Will do that later.

It was really cool yesterday cos I was blessed with a real huge pack of Char Kway Teow after the NDP. My God has provided! Can't wait to share it with Dishan and Andre later. Must let them try Singaporean food! =)

Singapore Day.

Today we went for this NDP live streaming thing. Quite cool... had singaporean food like beed rendang, noodles, nasi ayam, chicken rice, char kway teow, curry puff, spring rolls, bandung today! how awesome man!

then there's this girl that is shyna's friend we've been bumping into at the clubs recently. then we will chill and stuff together... and today we just discovered that she is Felicia, Edward's brother!!! As in Uncle Mordecai's daughter!!! Omg. that's the girl la! Wah lao.... super OMG right!!!! She another girl.. need to take care of her one. hahaha.. omg. super crazy lo!

Anyways, NDP was good. Very nostalgic, so yea. Miss my Sg family! =)

House Church.

You know like how any community whether its christian or not can sort of be like a cell group or house church just that it is informal? Well, today my community in school came for house church for real!!!!

This morning the Lord just gave me this really awesome idea to ask Dishan to follow me to the city and come for house church after soccer match and guess what, he agreed! Then we asked Kah Wai to come along too. These 2 dudes are not christian and this is Dish's first time being in a christian environment. From previosu posts, he was still interested to know what happens in house church and he was asking me questions on healing and hearing God's voice and stuff. He said he believes in a higher power and stuff then we started to talk about coincidences in life and how it seems like there is someone out there looking out for us and just strange things happening to us in life that screams that there is a God. Even Kah Wai was sharing about his experiences...

I was sooo thrilled that they came today. And they really had a good time! They kept thanking me for bringing them there but it was an absolute pleasure and joy for them to come experience this. Dishan said its actually really good to be in a community of support and stuff. I am sooo thrilled!!! After that we went to meet the other guys but somehow God just brought the 3 of us together again and we started talking about God and stuff. So dish was asking about hearing God's voice and even Kah Wai was sharing with him as though he knows and as though he's a christian himself. Super amazing! hahahahaa... I really pray that the seeds will be sown deep and that they will know who God is and accept his love. So pray with me people! How exciting!!! I really saw so much in them.. and i really saw how god's hand is upon their lives and its a matter of time, whether i'm around or not, that they accept Him cos I saw God's plans and purposes for their lives. I am soooo looking fwd to hearing news of them receiving christ. awww....

Then i was so excited i told andrew abt it and andrew said he'll come next week!!! Woohoo! Dish and Kah wai enjoyed themselves so much that they also planned to come next week too! I am soooo excited!!! =) Like super! I think they were really blessed tonight and it was life changing... i pray that holy spirit keeps working within them =)

Rocks man!

Just for you

Actually I didn't intend to blog today but for the benefit of Evie who checks everyday, i feel like i'm letting her down if she doesn't see a post. So here's my little attempt (anyway, i bet i'll end up writing a lot still. lol!).

Today i applied for 11 job applications for retail and wait staff positions. I hope i get a job soon... was searching until eyes pain man! I pray that God gives me the best environment and pay and that the first response would be it =) Mah says he'll pray for me again. Maybe he'll come for house church tomorrow, yay!

Now i'm trying to embark on watching Gossip Girl. I know i'm really behind time and stuff but i've got seasons 1 & parts of season 2 so its good. Mah says he'll get me entourage soon... heard alot of ppl talk abt it. Oh man... no time alr la. Still go chase all these. Wah lao!

Anyways, recently i've been a bit grumpy. I don't know. Maybe too stressed? Where's the joy? It takes a while to come out... different alr =(

Whatever la. I just stole ice cream from the fridge. Don't know who's also. lol!

Oh oh... i baked brownies on Monday from scratch and it turned out to be really really really good! Real nice brownies, so surprising man!!! Soooo happy! Really... its not the pre-packed or betty crocker kind leh! Hahahaa... so proud of myself!

Bzzz... =(

I think the buzz is dying off already. I just went through all my assignments and marked the deadlines and stuff. It's more than just tutorial work. Assignments are gonna be real hectic and super lots of work!!!

Now i'm real stressed. =S And i'm still worrying about getting a job if not i'm literally going to starve to death.

I think play time is really over. This sem there's so much to think about... so much to trust God for. Don't know if i'm ready to take on so much. I feel so disheartened already. Thinking about school is stressful enough. Now gotta think about money and housing and house church stuff too.

This weekend is my last of partying. No more. I quit. No more!

=S

Busy Bee.

This semester all my modules have to do tutorial!!! Wah lao... so much work to do some more! Last sem i didn't even have to struggle with tuts lo. Don't even have to do man... so sian! Some more i have to work now.

Currently in the process of applying for my tax file number. Stupid website keep giving me error man! Urgh! Think i have to apply another day. Waste my time! Then I better faster look for job already man!!! =( So stressful...

Wonder how i can cope with school and work. Carissa told me her results dropped significantly when she worked and schooled at the same time. Gee... its Carissa leh! She so smart! =S

Ok. Stop fretting alr... guess i gotta come out of my comfort zone and really trust the Lord right? Yep.. i shall do that. Well, bees are busy but at the end of the day their work produces sweet honey. That shall be my motivation and focus. Do not look to the left nor to the right but focus on the goal that is in front and do it with joy! Wah, i'm super into self talk aren't i? hahahaa...

Oh wells.. i feel an ice cream treat coming up!

Oh speaking of which, i guess no more gym for me then. Hehe.. what an excuse! =)

Broke-back Bank

My expenditures are no longer covered and I am officially broke.

I actually can't even afford to put food on my table. Living on what I have now from past groceries... what happened? I guess my family's just gonna pay for my school fees now and i gotta fend for myself. I thought this wouldn't be much of a problem except that now it's starting to stress me out cos I really need a job and I am that broke.

In this time of need, God has still been faithful. He's brought ppl along to bless me with meals and i've even won tickets to go watch the NDP next Sunday! Hehe...

This is actually a really humbling experience. I've also realised that i'm a "yes" girl... can't say no. Everything also want to do, everywhere also want to go and everyone also want to please. I guess i really have to think for myself now... there is a price for trying to please everyone and i can't do that all the time. So now, i guess i needa learn to say no. Anyways, i've got so much school work to catch up on now. So its still good.

I pray that I get a job near home and that it pays $20 an hour at least. I guess this is another season for me already. Getting down to business and cutting back on the partying and playing. God has been really gracious and I'm thankful for that.

Last weekend was pretty good i guess. We went to an event organised by the Singapore Association in Monash where we won the free tickets to NDP screening on Sunday and had free pizza dinner too. Then went out to eat again and watch DVDs at char's. Slept only at 6am man! Then the next day had to wake up at 12pm cos i was hanging out with Mah. =) We haven't hung out by ourselves for a really long time already, so it was really good to just spend time together. We had lunch then went to the Melbourne Aquarium. It was ok only... the best attraction were the penguins i guess cos underwater world has everything else and is nicer too. Nevertheless it was good company and that's what matters. After that, we had good hot chocolate and dessert at Koko Black. What a good way to end the day!

Met up with Char and Shy for dinner again then went for the opening of Bass Lounge. It was cool cos we had some frees for entrance and my drinks were paid for for the whole night. See, God even covers my expenditure in the clubs =) Bass lounge was great... music was the best i've heard from here so far so we had a good time.

Next day had to wake up super early for church again. Super tired already.... then I had lunch at Nasi Lemak House, which was also my dinner cos portions were super huge =). Super Yums! After which, shopping at DFO. Quite sian cos i'm broke.. but i'm contented with what i have. I know.. amazing right? lol! Met the guys to watch Public Enemies at night. Movie tickets were already pre-paid before i got broke so that's also covered. Haha! Went home pretty late... super cold and tired night!

That rounds up my update for the weekend. Peace.